Hipster President and Vice President of the United States

Because I care about you. Because I love you. Because I am the alpha and the omega, l'enfant terrible and the monster at the end of this book I give you my latest installment in History's Hipsters. I've scoured the whole of American History and I return to you:

AARON BURR
VICE PRESIDENT
Now, if you're like many you've heard the name and you recognize him chiefly from an old "Got Milk" Commercial.
But the original hipster Vice President had for a grandfather Jonathan Edwards, the fire spitting pulpit rocker who gave us Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God. His dad was president of Princeton. He came from money but was always broke.
He was short. (Previously mentioned a boon to hipsters.) He was from New Jersey but moved to the city (like countless thousands of other hipsters.)
He laid more pipe than any other government works agency in the post-revolutionary era (thereby upping his man crush factor and overall hipster FICA score.)
You know he killed Alexander Hamilton (and that cracker had it coming- Hamilton had been involved in 21duels and his son had been killed dueling- jackass.) But did you know he was acquitted in New York and New Jersey (and he killed him in Weehawken- the first, last, and only cool thing to take place in Weehawken.)
He attempted to become Emperor of Mexico in 1805. Takes balls, man.
He married for money at age 77. He lived overseas for twenty years.
He started Tammany Hall, the insular political machine that ruled New York for more than a hundred years without ever being a member.
Burr is a bright constellation in the hipster zodiac. And if hipster's believed in the power of prayer, they'd wear out the knees of their tight pants praying for the Burr's blessed intercession.

And now with no further ado, the Hipster President of these United States of America

FRANKLIN PIERCE
PRESIDENT

We can, if you like, look past his evenly tousled hair and Heath Ledger-like good looks and cut right to the sine qua non of Hipsterism: Franklin Pierce was a massive alcoholic. He once killed a woman while driving his carriage drunk while President of the United States. At the end of his term, when asked what a President should do after leaving office, he sighed: "There's nothing left... but to get drunk."
Youngest man ever to be president at that time (precocity gives you big hipster-points.) Only president ever to be from New Hampshire (a trailblazer from the live free or die state.)
Franklin Pierce is also the only president to deliver his entire inauguration speech from memory with no notes. He's the only president to "affirm" rather than swear (opting to use the constitutional allowance for faith reasons- because he was that big of an intransigent hipster badass).
Sadly for Frankie, he was a policy wonk- he supported the Kansas/Nebraska Act which overturned the Missouri Compromise and basically got everybody set for the civil war. Then during the Civil War when Jefferson Davis' plantation was captured, it was discovered that the President of the Confederacy and Franklin Pierce were quite good friends who agreed about the "madness of Northern abolitionism." So that hurt. So much so that Pierce was asked to NOT be a pallbearer at his lifelong friend Nathanial Hawthorne's funeral.

Ed. Note: I was really excited about writing this piece about Franklin Pierce but upon further review it appears that much of his alcoholism can be traced to watching his son be decapitated a few weeks before being inaugurated. So there's that.